We have been having such a mild winter, that I almost forgot about posting my annual "I hate winter" story. I did not write this. I wish I had. I'm not even sure where it came from. I have one copy with no identification on who might have written it. But, it has gotten an annual reading for many years. And, no matter how many times we've read it, we still laugh all the way through it. I hope you enjoy it and laugh your socks off!
December 8:
6:00 PM. It started to snow.The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14:
Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like crazy. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should have bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20:
Electricity is back on, but had another 14" of the darn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Darn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I thing they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December22:
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white stuff fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to go to the bathroom. By the time I got undressed, went to the bathroom and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the idiot is lying.
December 23:
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.
December 24:
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the idiot who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his hair. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the darn snowplow.
December 25:
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a wonderful life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.
December 26:
Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
December 28:
Warmed up to above -25. Still snowed in. THE WIFE is driving me crazy!!!!!!!
December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30:
Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
December 31:
Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8:
I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
Hilarious, but bait sad in the end!:)
ReplyDeleteI love these little stories. There's one about the 12 Days of Christmas that is hilarious too!
ReplyDeleteThis was great. Especially the last one! Little white pills...haha
ReplyDeleteThis is hilarious, Darlene. I just knew the romantically lyrical start had to have a jolting ending, but never for a moment suspected it would be at the cuckoo's nest :) Thank you for sharing! I hope YOU aren't all snowed in!
ReplyDeleteDear Dalene: OK, it just goes to show. One misses a LOT when one isn't around for a while. I had missed out entirely on the exciting news of your new home and thought you were still in your 'rental', which I always thought was yours. So, when I returned, LATE, and started reading from your earlier post (one back!) I really wondered why you were putting yourselves through so much 'hardship', tackling an entire house all in one fell swoop. That's why I wondered if you were just toying with us all. Now that I've taken the time to head back through all the posts I'd missed, it all comes clear. I am so happy for you (I have left comments on each of the previous posts) and wish you many wonderful, contented years in your new home, tending your chickens, playing in your organic garden and coaxing milk from Daisybelle :) I must say I envy you!
ReplyDeleteOh my, laughing my arse off here in sunny SoCal where I almost turned the AC on today because I was getting too hot. Have had the sliding glass door open this evening and the fan blowing on me because I was too hot. Was kinda missing having some cold weather and then after reading this I now know why my Mom never wants to live in Illinois again. Okay I do admit it is this freaking menopause that keeps me so hot and not necessarily the weather. And it would be nice to have a little snow.
ReplyDeleteI will gladly be ready to read this again next year since I do suffer from CRS and will have no idea that I am reading it again by then.
Oh and I almost think I wrote a little song, well sorta but I think it is a little diddy that will stick in your head while you are working so hard. Hope you have time to come read it.
I hope you don't get that much snow this year.
God bless.